A reflection focusing on the people of Sunnah (kindness, excellent character, mercy) in marriage and in relationships.

{  لِمَ تُحَرِّمُ مَآ أَحَلَّ ٱللَّهُ لَكَۖ تَبۡتَغِي مَرۡضَاتَ أَزۡوَٰجِكَۚ وَٱللَّهُ غَفُورٞ رَّحِيمٞ }

…why do you prohibit what God has made lawful to you in your desire to please your wives? Yet God is forgiving and merciful:

This Surah hold within it so many lessons and benefits for people in their lives but what often happens is we focus on the story behind the Surah and then we stop there. We shouldn’t stop there because the people behind the story – in shaa Allah – are all people of Jannah and their Lord is pleased with them. What we should do is take the ayahs as messages to reflect on, and check ourselves in our relationships with people who love us and whose we love claim to reciprocate, so we can safeguard ourselves and our families and protect our household from cracks that eventually lead to breakdown of households.

First, this ayah teaches us that one of the Sunnah of our Prophet (alehi salam) is to want to please his wives. So, brothers who in their masculine bravado say as long as they’re doing something halal and right, they don’t have to care about their wives feelings or try to make their wives pleased should take a pause and think. Prophet Muhammad wanted his wives to be happy.

And for those who care about their wives very much and want them to be happy, here’s where the Ayah gets interesting, you should of course prioritize the pleasure of your wives (spouses), but not at the expense you forbidding yourselves things that are good and wholesome to you. We may then ask, can’t we sacrifice things for our families?Absolutely!

And that’s one of the qualities of Qawwam, but care has to be taken that we’re doing such sacrifice out of genuine need to do so and not because of emotional manipulation from our spouses. Being able to discern will be key which requires deep introspection.

Amazing spouses

Some of us have been blessed with with amazing spouses who try to imitate the Sunnah of compassion in their marriage. They’re people who do things not minding if it’s a spelt out responsibility according to Islamic texts. They give, and keep giving. For example, a husband that takes care of the family financially (covers the bills), physically (present even when away) , and spiritually (teaches and encourages faith) and in all of these he will help with laundry, children care, chores, and cleaning… He does these things. It is easy and tempting for the wife to cross leg and even enjoy him more and relax. He doesn’t mind. She would tell herself. But if care is not taken, she runs the risk of manipulation, and something can snap, and people do snap. The husband may like to unwind and play soccer or some kind of other things, but the wife quickly reminds him that she needs help, and knowing his nature, the man would capitulate, depriving himself. It can even be in the case of marrying a Muslimah.

The same can be said of amazing wives. They give and keep giving. They’re obedient. They listen. They work. They share their money with their husband. They don’t think twice. Then the man sees this kindness and become reckless financially, knowing well that his wife’s mindset is that of sunnah (kindness) and slowly but surely he starts asking for more, which in turn is making the wife deprive of herself things that are halal (buying appropriate clothing, jewelries, vehicles) or even mustahab for her such as spending her money on her own parents and family. All because these amazing spouses are trying to please their partners they fell into depriving themselves – unbeknownst that their spouse wittingly or unwittingly has become an emotional manipulator. We seek Allah’s refuge.

If you happen to reflect on these scenarios and you feel you may have been on the serving end of this phenomenon, I’ll tell you this, you’re not a bad person, you just fell into something very easy to fall into. But I’ll also be honest with you, while it may seem cool that you have them wrapped around your hands now, it is not sustainable and sooner or later it will blow up in your face. What happens in such situations when people give up a part of them, a good part of them to please you is they’ll figure it out and resentment will set it. You don’t want that. We don’t want that. So, please refrain from trying to control your loved ones.

A friend told me she had an argument with a man who wants to marry her. She insisted he tells his first wife before they do Nikkah. He insisted he won’t tell her until marriage. She asked for my opinion. Years ago, I would probably side with her but having reflected on many things I have seen, I told her the man may have his reasons and I can’t really say he’s wrong outright.

What really happens in our marriages is with amazing spouses we get complacent and think well they’re not going anywhere – especially when they have invested years with us. Or we think ourselves as the perfect people and so we question if they’d ever be able to find a replacement for us in their lives. So, in essence, there’s no need to let them have a life not revolving around us because what would they do without us?

So with this question in the air, listen to what Allah says: { عَسَىٰ رَبُّهُۥٓ إِن طَلَّقَكُنَّ أَن يُبۡدِلَهُۥٓ أَزۡوَٰجًا خَيۡرٗا مِّنكُنَّ مُسۡلِمَٰتٖ مُّؤۡمِنَٰتٖ قَٰنِتَٰتٖ تَٰٓئِبَٰتٍ عَٰبِدَٰتٖ سَٰٓئِحَٰتٖ ثَيِّبَٰتٖ وَأَبۡكَارٗا }

[Surah At-Taḥrīm: 5]

It is hoped that, if he divorces you, Allah will give him in your place wives better than you, submissive to Allah, believing, devout, penitent, steadfast in worship, fasting, previously married and virgins.

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Allah teaches us life lessons by the Qur’ān in a way modern psychology can not compete with. The Mothers of the Believers were the best women of this Ummah, so Allah teaches us momentous lessons through them because they were married to the Perfect Model. If Allah said He could replace them, then who are you thinking your spouse couldn’t possibly find someone better so you act with a cavalier mindset towards him or her?

Surah Tahrim, Talaq, sections of Surah Baqorah, and Nisa deals in details about family law because family is the core of the society. How can we become people of Izzah when we are not even trying to get the core of the society right.

This has gone longer than I planned. I’m sorry for that. We pray that Allah make us the people of Qur’an. People who recite it. Reflect on it. Teach it. And most importantly use it as the guide and blueprints for our lives.

Alhamdulillah.