The Roots of the Gender Wars

A brother once reached out to me, asking if I knew Muslim women wanting to get married. Cut the long story short, another time he told me not to worry again because he had found someone and they were in the serious stage of ‘talking.’ Then he called again and when I asked how things were going, he said they’d parted ways because one time they were discussing finances, and the sister explicitly mentioned that she expects him to carry then
entirety of the finances. The brother was aghast. The woman is educated and gainfully employed. And they both are living in America. So, the brother asked, what would she be doing with her own money?

I told the brother he shouldn’t have toed that route, but I concluded in my mind it was good they both knew what they wanted. They both were uncompromising.


Okay, first, the sister who mentioned that she expected the man to carry the entirety of the finances is not saying anything new. In fact she’s just restating something that was crystal clear from the Qur’an without a need for Tafseer. The brother acknowledged this, and then said, but times are different and, and…I think the sister didn’t need to be that forceful, either.

I’m an advocate of what the Qur’an says. Yes, a brother shouldn’t squirm at the thought of carrying the entirety of the finances. This is what your Lord says. As to the question of what a wife would do with her own money? You ever heard about something called savings.

And this goes to the other side of the gender war, Muslim men who not because they care for the well-being of their wives, restrict them from financial freedom and ability to work, claiming to be holding to “traditional” Islam. In the Qur’an, spouses are described as garments. Wouldn’t rather your wife be your financial safety net in the case life happens and you’re in financial problems? You’re laid off. Your business is ran over by debt. You die. You’re sick. Would you rather you go online and beg strangers? Or would you rather your wife covers you as a garment is meant to do?

And not just savings because of you. But savings because of herself. Her children. Her family. A wife you’ve dedicated yourself to would surely repay in kindness when you’re in need. Do you think it’s out of nothing the husband inherits half or quarter of the wife estate? Again, tadabur (reflection) of the Qur’an is essential.

Finally, I will not leave this issue without going to what’s at roots of all of these. The Hakimi sàga. Sisters who see patriarchy as evil. Brothers who see women as golddiggers and call women alapake or don’t want their women to work under the pretense of traditional something although what they are really scared of is the potentiality of the woman becoming financially free and challenging their blurred outlook on life. Or the extreme feminist sisters who question the privileges of men to have the final say and the likes.

Again, we go to the Qur’an for tadabur. Read the following Ayah and let it sink.

وَلَا تَتَمَنَّوۡاْ مَا فَضَّلَ ٱللَّهُ بِهِۦ بَعۡضَكُمۡ عَلَىٰ بَعۡضٖۚ لِّلرِّجَالِ نَصِيبٞ مِّمَّا ٱكۡتَسَبُواْۖ وَلِلنِّسَآءِ نَصِيبٞ مِّمَّا ٱكۡتَسَبۡنَۚ وَسۡـَٔلُواْ ٱللَّهَ مِن فَضۡلِهِۦٓۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِكُلِّ شَيۡءٍ عَلِيمٗا

Do not yearn for what God has given to some of you more than others- men have the portion they have earned; and women the portion they have earned- you should rather ask God for some of His bounty: He has full knowledge of everything.

-Surah An-Nisa’, Ayah 32

What do you see in this ayah? What I see is how this ayah strikes at the heart of the gender wars and the things I see and hear from brothers and sisters. Allah is advising us in an excellent manner. Men, don’t wish for the privileges given to women… Don’t tell her to come split things with you. She has that privilege from Allah to make her money and have greater savings. Yes, she’s making equal to what you’re making, and she’s doing that doing a halal job, where she’s free to work without breaking boundaries of her faith. But it’s God that gave her that privilege. Don’t hate. Similarly, women don’t yearn for the privileges of men. Don’t question why they should get the last say. Why they can marry up to four. Men, don’t yearn for the luxury of being spent on, don’t abuse women for what God gave them…

God has given us all. We work together to make society function better. This is functionalism of Durkehim. Don’t go the conflict theory way. That’s the genesis of the gender war. Finally, ask God from His fadl. Don’t clip her wing so that your little salary will fill your ego compared to her no-salary. Support her. And believe in your God when He asked you ask Him for that vast wealth you want.

May the peace and blessings of God be upon the best of humanity, Our Leader, Nabi Muhammad.



  1. Marriages have become unsweetened because of this issue. I’m always close to tears when discussing finances in Marriage. It tears me when a man asserts that a woman must contribute to the finances of the house and my heart wrenches when a woman insists that the man take all responsibility when she can see he obviously can handle it all. The marriage becomes bitter and no kindness can exist therein.
    Many of us are in this unsweet marriages and my major thought is that our children live in this marriage too and they can feel it. My fear is what each child takes away from their upbringing regardless of religion.
    Let kindness be first in every relationship. But then mu friend said you don’t know what’s in the heart of men! Woman/man comes forward with kindness man/woman has hidden agenda. Only Allah’s Aid can be sought. Ihdinaa siraatal mustakim

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on this subject. We pray for ease and safety from relationships that do not bring peace and tranquility into our hearts.


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